Archive for July, 2012

Dear Chocolate,

 I know you’ve been having a hard time accepting that I let you go.  I can’t blame you for that, it was pretty sudden.  One day I was hoarding you in my nightstand and shoving you into my mouth at all hours of the day, the next minute I practically threw you at my husband as if you meant nothing to me.

 So let me explain…

 You see, we have what the experts like to call a “mutually destructive relationship”.  Okay, maybe not “experts” so much as “me” but you get the idea.  The way I see it, you harm me by making my blood sugar rise and my ass grow, and I get revenge by eating you.  Or maybe you’re the one getting revenge?  Either way, it’s a vicious cycle and I had to put an end to it.

 So in the spirit of being “just friends”, I would appreciate it if you would stop coming by my work and showing up at the restaurants I go to.  I find this type of harassment very off-putting and not endearing at all.  I would also appreciate it if you would stop sending your cousin “sugar” to talk to me, I have nothing to say to him either.

 I hope that over time we will learn to forget about each other, and that we’ll be able to pass each other on the street with no hard feelings.  Until then, I have to warn you that if you come near me, I’m sticking a fork in your arm.

 All the best, SP


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